A few weeks ago Susan Cain was interviewed on one of my favorite podcasts. She recently wrote a book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I checked out the book and figured I would get bored with it before I finished. I found it intriguing and a very good read.
Here’s a glimpse of a new perspective I gained regarding introverts in the church.
The author explains the difference between extroverts and introverts rides on the basis of stimuli. Extroverts require lots of stimuli to function at their best. As opposed to introverts that require much less stimuli to function at their best. This is why extroverts love being out socializing on a Friday night while introverts enjoy staying home and reading a book. If the introvert went to the party they would be over stimulated and outside their optimal level. They wouldn’t run out of the party screaming, but they wouldn’t be overly comfortable. If an extrovert stayed at home and read a book they would experience cabin fever and be restless. These two examples are not an attempt to determine if you are an extrovert or an introvert. Everyone has a mixture of each. Nobody is 100% either way.
Are we a church for extroverts?
- We organize activities hoping to encourage talking and socializing
- Two of the three hours of church are spent in a classroom where discussion and interaction are encouraged
- Home teachers and/or visiting teachers expect to be welcomed in your home once a month
- Members are expected to call, schedule, and visit a handful of fellow saints each month.
- Members are asked periodically to stand in front of more than 100 people and speak in sacrament meeting
- We are asked to share our beliefs with family and friends that aren’t members
- Members that are go-getters and socially outgoing are applauded in their efforts
Are we a church for introverts?
- We have a weekly sacrament meeting where we take 10-15 minutes to sit in silence and ponder the sacrifice of our Savior
- Reverence and solitude are seen as ways to show respect for the God we worship
- One of the most important rooms in our temples is for quite pondering and reflection
- We are encouraged to study from the scriptures individually and to pray in secret daily
As I read this book I thought about the methods we use to fellowship others — the biggest one being home/visiting teaching. If we have a family or an individual on our list that is more introverted should we be approaching it differently than calling and demanding a time to come and visit in their home? Could the fact that someone wants to come into their home — their “happy place” — their sanctuary — be so over stimulating that they dread the experience? Maybe the introvert that is strongly encouraged to attend the ward party is so uncomfortable that the act of “felloshipping” is just the thing that drives them to inactivity.
Not only is it hard for Brother Introvert to socialize, but now he is given a list of names he doesn’t know and expected to call them and visit them once a month. For Brother Extrovert this tasks is no problem — for Brother Introvert he feel he is standing on the edge of the high dive. This might give an Elder’s Quorum President pause the next time he is frustrated with someone not completing their home teaching. The difficulty of the task is relative to each individual.
My intention isn’t to suggest we are doing things wrong or to give alternative solutions. I simply want to share a new perspective I gained by reading this book. This post is mainly to see what YOU think.
Are some of our fellowshipping tactics scaring more people away then they are bringing them back to the fold? What are other ways to home teach an introvert?
My father was a very private man. He was very ill and mostly bedridden for the last two years of his life–but some of his closest friends were not even aware of that fact because he was so private. Home teachers became increasingly frustrated that my mother would not schedule appointments when they called, so one time they refused to talk to her, and my dad had to get out of bed to answer the call. He told them it was not convenient to see them. At some point they showed up unannounced, and when my mom wouldn't let them in, they told her that if they wouldn't receive home teachers, they should have their records removed from the church. Mom got her dander up and said, "Go ahead." The Bishop called Dad (who by this time had had enough), and Dad said, "Go ahead." The week after my Dad's memorial service, I was helping my Mom clear out his desk when the mail came. It was the letter from the church telling them that church court had been held and their names had been removed from church records. Mom threw the letter on the table, so I picked it up and read it. It put an even bigger damper on an extremely painful day.
My recent post Come Listen To A Prophet's Voice
LaurieBee, that is an appalling story.
1. Receiving home teachers in your home is not a requirement of membership: you can't get "disciplined" for it
2. The correct Church procedure for removing names off the records is for the person to give his/her bishop a written request for name removal. Verbal consent doesn't count.
3. It's completely foreign to the Gospel of Jesus Christ to "sack" people who don't want to socialise.
Some people completely miss the whole point of the Church, it's very sad. It shows that it's possible to be in the Church without having the Gospel.
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nicolasconnault, this must have been some years ago… it is true historically that if someone wanted to remove their names that a court was held and they were excommunicated. It hasn't been that way for years, and it seems there was a time, for a period of time that excommunication was used pretty wildly – I have a brother-in-law who was excommunicated at age 17 for getting girl pregnant… also not common practice….
It is hard for me to think if it in Introvert vs Extrovert terms, though this comes very close to me. I prefer to think of it as those who socialize well, vs those that don't/can't. It's just High School, it's always high school. For example, we had ongoing discussions about increasing our efforts to do missionary work in our ward council. The Council wanted to challenge members to have 5 non-member families into their homes each month. They all figured, well that's easy, a piece-of-cake. I tried to explain to them that it might be easy for you, but for family x, x, x, x, x, x it is not…. These families don't have MEMBERS into their homes, yet alone, non-members…. I asked each of them point blank, have you had these families in YOUR home, has anyone reached out to them to include them, teaching them how to be social how to have and make friends? It is obvious that it isn't something they are good at doing… Frankly, how many of you have had ME and my family into your homes… Big Zero on that one….
This is a real problem in the church, the have's or the cool click get all the cool callings, their kids all play together, they have great parties and get-togethers, and sure, there might be one or two other clicks out there providing socializing for smaller groups, but there a MANY saints NOT being included in the un-official activities, and when they attend the 'official' activities, it is sometimes the highlight of their social calendar, and they come, nobody talks to them, and they leave… eventually they feel so unwelcome, or so excluded they start to wonder why they even try to be among a community of saints the purposely is excluding them from true friendship. This is WIDESPREAD and not limited…. until we truly approach a zion people, this will always be a problem. I've been in my current ward 5 years and can count on one hand the number of homes my family has been invited to….. In contrast, we invite many people into our home… again, we're not part of the cool kids, but we are trying our best to figure out how it works, but it escapes me why it doesn't seem to catch. One of my favorite memories is going to a movie theater for a date-night with my wife… we ran into 15-20 couples from our ward at the movie, including the entire EQ presidency that I was currently serving in, and the entire Primary presidency that my wife was serving in…. It was the most awkward set of conversations I've ever had in my life…. These events continue to this day, with new families being invited to participate, but not all new families… it's like there is a secret club or handshake the rest of us are not initiated into.
Usually what happens when this topic is discussed in Ward Council is this…. Bishop brings up the fact that he's talked to several families saying that this is the most unfriendly ward they've ever been in…. then opens up to the ward council who in turn say, well that's not true, in fact, this is the most friendly ward I've ever been in….. IS that family even trying to make friends… what are they doing to make friends…. Blame the victim…. obvisouly its not true becuase I have plenty of friends… we've never invited that family to our little playgroup.. that why would that make a difference? Nothing irritates me more than smug socialites wondering why everyone else isn't like them, and can't easily walk into new situations and have 8 friends immediately…. I watch it happen every month. People move in, and within weeks are in the inner circle.. While those who struggle, are not fellowshipped, not included.
We need a call for friendship among our own members, we need a call for inclusion, we need a call for strengethening bonds among us… This will do more for missionary work, than continuing the old pattern of cool kids doing and getting all the love in the church.
I believe the gospel to be a great and wonderful opportunity for personal growth. I know it is hard to break our own Norms or to grow in something we feel hard or just uncomfortable. however i believe that our purpose in this life is to double the talents we have been given from our father in heaven. Ultimately the gospel is about individual growth regardless of what is happenning, our ability to move forward needs to be completly focused on our saviour and his atonement. i have had so many opportunitie to grow and some of them take longer for me to overcome than needed but it happends when i put all of my efforts in focusing on the atonement.
I think there's two important parts to the Church. First, and most important, is the Church itself including the doctrine, the ordinances, the teachings. Second is the sociality. The social aspect of the church is certainly important and vital. There are a lot of people who rely on fellowship of other members for strength and support and that's good that the church generally has a good support system for that. However, the fact that the members are human creates and inherently flawed system that causes offense to those who need the social interaction, but don't get what they need from other members. I'm sure that most of the time, it's not on purpose that someone who isn't as outgoing is excluded from certain groups or clicks. A lot of times though, they do get offended or feel outcast causing them anything from a small amount of distress to something as extreme as leaving the church.
Personally, I would be considered an introvert. I'm currently the high priest group leader in our ward and get along with most everyone, but I prefer to be on my own. I have a lot of great acquaintances in the ward, but not really any good friends who I'd like to hang out with at leisure. I know that's my own fault and I take full responsibility for that. I'd rather be at home watching movies with my kids or reading a book than being out home teaching or attending meetings or even having anyone over. But I feel like my testimony of Church doctrine and teachings are strong and I still do attend and participate in meetings and home teaching and everything else because I know that those are part of the teachings of the church.
My wife is someone who does rely on the social aspect of the church. She has a strong testimony of the doctrines and teachings, but if there's a breakdown socially, she finds it difficult to attend church, meetings or anything else. I prefer a breakdown socially. I guess we're perfect for each other!
My point to all of this is that is someone relies on the Church's social programs, it's probably not as solid of a foundation because at some point, there will be a breakdown and someone will say or do something that will offend. Even if someone is very outgoing, like our EQ president, they could be the cause of un-intentionally driving someone away because it's impossible for them to be socially perfect. It's impossible to be 100% inclusive of everyone who has social needs. At some point someone will be hurt.
I know that I'm not very balanced as a member of the church since I would prefer very little social life, but I think that someone who relies more on the doctrines and teachings of the church rather than the sociality, may be less likely to be offended and will continue church activity. Certainly, there are exceptions, but I'd be interested to hear some of your opinions.